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This is the type of person i hate [03 Aug 2001|02:44am]
[ mood | disgusted ]

Hawke2001: what do you see in a guy
DirtySpic21: what do you mean?
Hawke2001: what type of guys do you like
Hawke2001: what do you look for
DirtySpic21: all of them i guess, i like guys in a band a lot though, and i like guys who swim, and i like guys who play soccer, but i don't really look for anything those are just bonuses
DirtySpic21: what do you look for?
Hawke2001: lol someone who isn't a geek and loves sports
Hawke2001: don't mean to brag but I'm in a band
DirtySpic21: that's pretty simple
DirtySpic21: what do you play
Hawke2001: I sing but I also play the sax
DirtySpic21: what kind of band is it
Hawke2001: its a christian rock band
DirtySpic21: oh so you are a christian
Hawke2001: we kind of sound like creed
Hawke2001: yea
Hawke2001: is that a problem
DirtySpic21: i don't see why it would be, as long as you don't try and lecture me
Hawke2001: lol promise
DirtySpic21: ok thank you
Hawke2001: is that a big turn off
DirtySpic21: yeah
Hawke2001: really
Hawke2001: why is that
DirtySpic21: usually i won't date too many chistians, it becomes hard to talk about some topics
DirtySpic21: b/c i'm not one
Hawke2001: that don't matter truthfully when I go out with someone sorry to say it but its for the sex
Hawke2001: most of the time anyway
Hawke2001: I normally just date don't actually go out with girls to much
DirtySpic21: so you go out with someone just for sex
Hawke2001: ok that sound really bad
Hawke2001: I don't go out with girls that much
Hawke2001: but if I do they don't last long
DirtySpic21: but when you do, is it only for physical aspect
Hawke2001: no one has ever really matched me mentally
Hawke2001: so yea
Hawke2001: its mostly physical
DirtySpic21: so if you don't mind me asking, how many people have you slept with?
Hawke2001: 4
Hawke2001: thats probably another big turn off
DirtySpic21: what do you mean?
Hawke2001: that I have slept with four people
DirtySpic21: it doesn't matter for me
Hawke2001: oh ok
DirtySpic21: but i think it's kind of funny considering you are in a chistian band
Hawke2001: no one is perfect
Hawke2001: that is my flaw
Hawke2001: I don't really believe in waiting like the bible says
DirtySpic21: well it's more than a flaw that is hypocrisy
DirtySpic21: and if you are going to call yourself a christian you should never be lukewarm
DirtySpic21: what is the point in worshipping god when you are not going to obey him
Hawke2001: no one christian is perfect
DirtySpic21: but you could at least try
Hawke2001: I doo
Hawke2001: I just fall into temptation to much
DirtySpic21: sure it is human nature to sin but sex is somthing you can't help yourself from doing
DirtySpic21: you can help yourself from doing not can't
Hawke2001: you know back in the old days when the bible was writen people got married at like 12 so they didn't go thro what we do
DirtySpic21: that's not always true
Hawke2001: well everyone interprite the bible different
Hawke2001: thats the way I do
DirtySpic21: and plus the bible may have been written thousands of years ago but something as simple as that is still true in our lives today
DirtySpic21: that's not the kind of thing you can simply say doesn't matter b/c the bible was written way back then
Hawke2001: oh well

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All I ever really needed was a simple life [26 Jul 2001|11:16am]
[ mood | needing something more ]

I got another ticket yesterday. I broke down when he gave it to me but i still had to go to work. I think i scared my supervisor. I think maybe now I am starting to return to normality. Sure did take damn long enough. But even last night i was scared, i was scared of seeing a face that i might recognize. But with everyday something new comes, but none of it seems real any longer.

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[16 Jul 2001|03:21pm]
[ mood | unnerved ]

Sometimes things are exactly what they seem. There is no deep underlying meaning. Nobody knows this, everything has a hidden truth. Point blank and bare faced is simple but taken as something that MUST mean something else. Well sometimes you are wrong.

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White Girls Can't Dance [11 Jul 2001|10:22pm]
[ mood | lost ]

I can't settle into the rhythm of the night,
Everything turns, everything moves.
A whirlwind when the air is still -
The night air has a rhythm to it,
Only your heart knows the beat.
The beat won't fit my skin,
My body won't move with the rhyme.
I am now naked and bare
Trying to pretend beauty:
I fail and exist exposed.
Now I hear the truth,
Naked and screaming like the infant.
The rhythm continues, the night continues.
Sleepless night I pray to you,
And I can almost feel you.
You are still a part of me and the presence lingers.
Everything is a bad memory,
So now I pace - trying to move.
Recollect the way hips can twist into beauty,
The way we became one.
A simple rhythm was all that was needed.
But I no longer remember the beat.
Now I pace, still waiting for a rhythm I never truly had.

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Blah [03 Jul 2001|01:59am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Darcy is a cracker. In case you didn't know that she really, really is. So down in Jackson now, thank god. Love getting to get out of Columbus. Wish that Court could be here too but at least I still have Darcy. Can't really think of anything to say b/c Darcy keeps yapping. Get to go lay out for awhile tomorrow, I really need to, I'm starting to look white or something. Oh, well. Had a really nice night tonight. James took me out and wouldn't let me pay for anything. I hate when that happens. It always makes me feel so bad. If it's a date then fine, pay for me also, but if it's just friends then damn it, let me pay for myself. I think I hate being docile, it just doesn't really seem to fit me all that well. Funny though whenever I was with Kenny I always wanted him to pay for me but always ended up paying for myself. Now that someone wants to pay for me, i don't want them to and it just makes me feel bad. Oh well i guess I'm just never happy.

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Just A Thought [28 Jun 2001|10:37pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

There was a girl...She was standing on a ledge looking at the world below her. She didn't smile, she never smiled. It was fake, it was all fake, she was fake. Disgusted with who she had become she stopped pretending, no smile, no one. She was no longer beautiful now she was just another erratic person that the world ignores. Then she found a this ledge and just stood there, waiting...Not sure of what she was waiting on all she could do was look down and think. Thoughts poured in and she cried. Every memory, every emotion was pain, all she had left was pain. She cried so hard she never saw the black clouds rolling in. All she could feel was the pain all she could see was the canyon below. Then she felt the wind blow. The wind caressed every part of her body, it enwrapped her in it's glacial palm and held her. The girl stretched out her ams so she could feel it all, feel the world in it's simplest form. She bent her knees and jumped, she knew she could fly. Yes the girl had problems she could never understand. The wind was to be the messenger of her arrival into a new world. This was her comfort, the only solace she could feel, an easy escape. For a moment she was free, all that existed was herself and the wind. She closed her eyes as she began to fall, knowing that now she could finally sleep well. On the way down she looked at me. She looked me straight in the eyes. Was I suppose to help her, was I the one to save her? How was I suppose to know that this would happen, how do I stop it now? Too late, it's always too late. I was the one who was suppose to protect her, but I let her die. But now I can breathe again, I can finally breathe. The girl that died was too weak to make it through the purgatory we call earth. She gave in and crumpled...I was suppose to save her, but I didn't. But maybe this is the way it is suppose to be, I can now finally breathe and she can now finally sleep.

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Never Liked the Past [27 Jun 2001|11:49pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

So I don't really know what is going on. I'm tired of trying to study, chemistry is stupid. I had a really good thought about what I could write on earlier but know i've forgotten it, big surprise, huh? I can't stop think of El Burro, I don't even know why anymore. I wish my mom was here, I wish I could go talk to her right now. After writing last night about my family I started to think more about them. Well the only thing I could think about was Carl Sr. (my dad's biological father). He is such an ass. I only have two memories of him. One is when we had to go to the hospital because Carl had come and asked my father for money. When my dad refused to give it to him, Carl took a 2x4 and tried to bash my father's head in. Well my father lay in the middle of the street, unconscious his secretary had to drag him into the office (this all happened in front of my dad's office building). Well I don't remember my dad coming home from the hospital or what he looked like afterward, I just remember how much I hated Carl at that moment. I was around 5 or 6 years old. The second memory I have of him comes around the same time. We were in the court house because Carl was suing my father, I can't remember for what. Well I remember being in the middle of the court house here in town and him saying that he just wanted Heather and myself to call him grandpa. We never did. I've never called that man my grandfather because he never has been and he never will be. I've always just called him Carl. Well all of this wonderful family fun happened our 13, 14 years ago and I honestly don't think we have had any contact with Carl Sr. since. We think he might be in FL but we just don't really care. I don't know if my father has talked to him since seeing him in court but if he has then i know it has been years since they last talked. I can't stand the man and I don't even know him. It makes me sad but at least he's no longer in my life and hasn't been for year, he really just doesn't want to be.

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Family is Forever, Well only Immediate but That's all I Need [26 Jun 2001|10:49pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

God, I love my family. I wish I had more family. I hate most of them. I love my immediate family more than anything, they have always been more than wonderful to me. It's my extended family that just bites. I like my grandma (my dad's mom) and her husband but i Just don't really know them all that well. O.A. is the only grandfather I've ever known and he's not even really blood related. I like him but I think it's just because he's like 92 now so he has always been too old for me to really have to talk to. My father left home when he was 15, I'm 18 now and still can't imagine being on my own yet. I have so much respect for him as a person and as a father. He lived past his family's alcoholism and tobacco addiction and granted he made his mistakes of early life, he still came out on top. I wish one day that I could be half as strong as my father is. I just have so much respect for him i could never even begin to describe it in words. Now he does have plenty of flaws and I know this but he had to live though so much that nobody could ever come out perfect from it. He never finished high school, just simply dropped out, nobody cared if he finished or not, least of all himself. But he now has his own business, sure he make under -$100, 000 (yes that is a negative) a year, but he does have something to show for himself. In my opinion I think we are a really great family and we all love each other more than anything. Sure we have our bad times and ruff spots and for awhile my sister wasn't talking to my dad, and I was locked out of my room for 2 weeks, but we put all of that in the past. We know that we love each other and family will always be there for you no matter what.

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Religion, Smidgen [20 Jun 2001|11:26pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

So I've never really just sat down and written out all of my views on religion before so I figured I might as well do that now. So I used to be a really devote christian. You know I did the whole mission trip, boys and girls club, vacation bible school kinda stuff. I think it was mission trip in the summer of '99 that was the ultimate clincher. I can't believe in a church that is so full of hypocrites, slimy words oozing from the lips of pseudo-saints was just too much for me to handle. I tried several different churches. For awhile I went to the episcopal church, the catholic church, the methodist church, the presbyterian church, and the baptist church. The baptist church was the worst but it did have the best youth program. I would suck up all of my disgust and go on wednesday nights to try and feel as though I was a good person. I could just never fully believe. It's impossible to be truly holy, the human nature is to sin, right? So why even try to do what is right if inevitably you're just going to fuck up somewhere down the road. I think the bible is bullshit. I think man and the church have gotten their hands on it too many times, and they changed the words around a bit to make it a better story or to make it more to their liking. Now I'm agnostic but all that really is is just apathy. I don't necessarily just totally think god is a crock but I don't believe the "christian" god is the one and only true way to heaven. I don't really know if I have a soul or not but if I do then cool if I don't then it doesn't affect me at all. Sometimes I just wish that I knew for sure that when life was over it was just flat out over. I would like to just totally stop existing rather than living an eternity in some place we think is heaven but it's still just being some man's slave. And I'm not one much on being some man's slave. I believe we should worship each other, not in the whole sexual way but just having respect for other human life. But in order for that to happen you have to have respect for you own life and not everyone has that. I just know that I respect others and I respect this earth that we have to live on. How it came to be, I don't know but quite frankly I don't care.

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Letter to a Bastard [19 Jun 2001|09:45pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

So I'm over you. Well at least I think I am. I miss your touch, your kiss, god I loved to kiss you. I miss being held, I don't know if I miss being held by you necessarily or if I just miss being held in general. I feel like you took everything I had, I feel as though I have nothing left. They say home is where the heart is, well my heart belong to you and you were my home. Now I am just another homeless vagabond. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I hate who you have become, you used to not be like this. I almost cried tonight. I remembered a night we had together, it was so wonderful. It was the one and only time I've ever seen a shooting star. Do you remember? We went on a picnic one night out in a field that was beautiful. The sky was crystal clear and it seemed as though you could see every single one of the billions and billions of stars in the sky. And you told me that you had brought me here so that I could see a shooting star because I so desperately wanted to. Well I finally did, and it was beautiful and it was a beautiful night. We had eaten out under the stars, even though our meal consisted of take out from Old Venice, it was perfect. We finally had to leave because I was about to freeze to death, but I still remember it like it was yesterday, and I wish that it had been yesterday. You are my shooting star. There has been only one in my life and it's beauty came and went much to fast. If I had blinked I would have missed it. At least you used to be my shooting star. The old you was everything to me, this new you I despise. I don't understand how a person can change so much so quickly, so I put it down to the fact that I never really knew you. I guess I never really did, or maybe I did and I just never wanted to admit what you truly were. But I didn't cry. You can't make me cry anymore. God I haven't cried in forever, but the last time I did, I knew I was over you. I told myself that when I could cry and it had nothing to do with you then that's when I would truly be over you. Then finally one day I cried, I didn't even cry the last time you broke up with me, but I cried on this glorious day. It didn't happen all of a sudden but that's when it struck me that you were no longer everything to me, and then a wonderful thing happened, I just stopped caring about you. I still care about who you used to be and a part of me will always love him, but I don't care for who you are now and I hope one day you grow up. I fell in love with a person who made me happy no matter what and then he died and his evil twin has now taken his place. So I will mourn the death of the boy I loved but maybe one day he will be back again and learn to love someone. He will learn to love someone with all of his heart instead of only part of it. I loved him with all of mine and my love for you was always enough for me, that's all I needed. But your love for me wasn't enough for you, I wasn't enough for you. You were greedy and you always wanted more, and I could never give you everything. So I gave you all of me and when you grew tired of that you threw me away. I finally started to rebuild myself but I miss how much I smiled when I was in a relationship. I've started to think now maybe it wasn't you that made me a better person, maybe it was just the fact that I had someone to love and that's all I truly needed. Whatever it was I always felt like I was a better person when I was with you but I've come to learn that I wasn't. I abandoned all of my friends and granted that some of them were not the greatest of friends, I still gave them up because I thought all I need was you. Well I learned that I was wrong, I don't need you, my friends are all I need. I honestly thought I would marry you. We planned our dream home and we even talked about the names of our children. I had always thought love in high school was ridiculous and impossible. Well I found out that it's not impossible but it is ridiculous. If I had to do it all over again I would have never dated you, I would have only been friends with you. Then maybe now we would still be talking and I wouldn't hate who you are now quite so much.

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Right From Wrong [18 Jun 2001|10:34pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

I was always the bad kid in the family. I don't truly believe I was ever really that "bad" but I do admit that I was rather rebelious for a time there. I just was always the one who got caught doing everything. I learned a lot of my behavior from my sister but I was too immature to handle it so I was always rather stupid in my felonies therefore always in trouble. But dad has always been so much easier on me than my sister, I never realized this until now. I ran off for a weekend and didn't even tell my parents where I was going and what was my punishment, a brand new car and a brand new apartment. I was suppose to not be able to have a car and next year I was going to have to live in the dorm, but it didn't turn out this way. I believe that my father is so much more leinent on me because he thinks I'm a smart kid. It puts so much more pressure on me though. I feel like when I don't make the grade it lets him down more than I let myself down, I always feel so guilty. I always feel like I could do so much better, but I just can't make myself try and he still lets me get away with everything. I'll never understand him, no matter how hard I try. But I want to take care of both of my parents when I'm older. They have both just given me so much and done so much for me, I could never even begin to repay them. I just don't want to disappoint them, I want to be everything that my father was never able to be. Well I'm still rebellious but that is one of the things that makes me, me. I can't stand to be told I can't do something, most of the time I do it souly for that reason. But my rebelious nature is what I know is going to get me through life because when somone tells me that I can't have my dream, then I'm just going to work twice as hard to get it because I want to prove everybody wrong.

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Get Over It [17 Jun 2001|11:13pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

Have you ever just felt lost, you know exactly where you are but you don't feel like you are really there. That's the way everything is, it's like I created this fortress around me and now I want someone to break it but I lost the key. Nobody really wants to break it down though. I feel like I am the painting on the wall that was interesting at first but after you look at it enough you stop seeing the beauty and start to only see a hugh glob of paint that is just a big mess. Well maybe at least I could be a Monet, I could handle the no walled fortress if I was Monet. But I just want to scream but at the same time I just want to lie down and forget about everything. I want to start over with a different name and a different face. I want to be young and innocent and not know what the hell pain could be. Not know all of the aspects of life, all of the bad that comes along with the good.

I just want to be whole again, I want to be innocent again. You have turned me into your stupid whore. But I am reborn. Burned at the stake by your flame of deception, I reemerge as a pure white being. No longer am I scorched by you. Now I am the innocent flower, void of prints from your filthy hand. The filthy hand, that in a moment of pure stupidity, I allowed to touch me. Well I was burned, there shall forever be a scar on my forearm. It was the arm I used to reach out to you, but the scar is not on my heart. You did not entirely destroy my heart like you so desperately tried. You only made it grow cold but with the spring time - the thaw comes. And now it is summer, and my heart blazes! I am no longer the pathetic fool pining away for you, now I am reborn with love replaced by hatred. I feast in this hatred for you. It means I win, you are mere dust, blowing away when the wind comes. Now I can become the fortress again. Seasons may come and go but I remain the same. I am stronger than you, you are only a slave to the decisions you have made. When we meet again, I hope that you are doing fine and well, but I want you to see the wretch that you have created. I want you to see the monster that I have become. But know that from my scars and from my hatred, I created a flame, and I burned that wretch into ashes. I created a cocoon for myself, and from this beautiful cocoon I will awake pure and holy and void of you. I will love again, I will rise above everthing you made me. You will finally learn that you are the harlott and you shall never again be able to touch me. I am now too strong for a weakling like you and now I am the master and you are my pawn.

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Stuffy Head, Stuffy Nose [16 Jun 2001|10:42pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Last night I was able to go and see my sister for awhile and it was great, and then everyone started to get really drunk and that's when I decided it was time to leave. I chose not to drink because I wanted to know that I was able to if i wanted to. That no matter how many times they offered me a drink or told me i had to drink, i still never touched a drop. I just didn't want to, and i wasn't about to simply because it was the only thing to do. I completely believe in drinking for celebration or if you've had the worst day of you life and don't even want to remember your own name, but I try to limit my intake of alcohol to only those two reasons. There are enough special occasions in life that I will probably still end up spending a significant part of my life hung over. I just don't want to be an alcoholic (by my standards).

My sister keeps pounding it into my head about how I have the worst taste when it comes to the opposite sex and I'm really starting to believe her. It's kinda scary though b/c it's almost as if no matter what I do the next person I'm attracted to is just inevitably going to turn out to be a loser. It's like my love life is tainted no matter what I do, if I go for the guy i want he'll end up being a loser, if I go for the guy that seems reasonable, I won't be attracted to him.

So having a first crush after getting over your first love is the weirdest thing. It's almost surreal. Actually I think it is, this isn't really me, it's just someone who still has fresh eyes and can still see beauty in people. It's pretty bad though, it just makes me feel rejected again, but I did pick a safe crush. He lives too far away to hurt me so i figure it's perfect. I can fantasize about him all i want but deep down inside I know he is a real person and not a celebrity dream but at the same time he's not around me so I don't have to really deal with him. It's actually really great.

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What the hell am I doing? [14 Jun 2001|11:43pm]
[ mood | worried ]

Yeah, so never done this before so should be interesting. I just need someplace else to go and if it's escaping into a computer world of a journal than i'll take what i can get. Everything stopped making sense a long time ago, and i never made sense. So why try to sort things out now? I don't know right from left, i never have, so why not try to learn now. I have nothing better to do. I stay busy all day between classes and work but i'm still so bored. I can't help myself, i've become completely isolated from everything in my hometown. I still stay in touch with some of my high school friends but that's because it's still new it will be interesting to see what it's like in a year or two. I wonder if I will still love them or hate them like all of my seniors from last year. I'm afraid of next year, not because i'll be on my own but because of what i might become. What if i'm like C, an alcoholic whore, or K, also an alcoholic whore but a bastard on top of that, or worst of all D, the I'm a bitch that may be male but i act more like a female then anyone else, also he's a pot head and an alcoholic. So what if i'm no better than they are and i am doomed to repeat their paths. I could always be O, the pedophile. I would rather lock myself in my nice little 2 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath apartment rather than be like any of the people who graduated the year before me. They are pathetic and i know i am no better than they are but maybe I can be next year. Maybe i can forget my senior year of high school and all the shit that i had to deal with and all of the pain and all of the hatred and losing my first love. But maybe i'll just drink myself silly and feel better in the morning.

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